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MBA Application Feedback Example

Below is an example of how a mentor provides feedback for an applicant. Notice that the applicant explains what his or her goals are with each essay, and the mentor provides feedback with these goals in mind.

Sample Application: Essay 2 of 4

In the following example, an applicant has submitted four essays as part of her application. This example zooms in on feedback for one of the four essays.

Essay Question

What have you learned from a mistake?

Notes submitted by the applicant - background on the essay

In this essay, I'm trying to do a couple things. First, I want to show how I overcame a bad start in a comedy group. I was upset when I didn't get good parts at first, but I eventually overcame it and learned from the experience. Second, I want to include a bit about my time as a comedian in school. I think this helps round out my application. As an engineer, I think this is important!

Essay




Feedback from the AppMentor:


Overall

This essay has a combination of strong and weak aspects.

On the positive side, it's good to show a well-rounded background. As engineers, we certainly need to differentiate ourselves from the typical quantitative jocks - including your experience as a comedian in the application will give your profile some color. Furthermore, the process of overcoming an experience such as this one is a good thing to write about. It shows you are humble, introspective, and that you're able to make the most of difficult situations. Again, that kind of emotional intelligence is important for us 'techies'.

I think there are three main areas that need improvement. First, the piece needs more focus. It should be crystal clear to your reader exactly what your mistake was and what you learned from it. Second, you can improve the structure of the piece. Third, you need to do more 'showing' and less 'telling' so your reader can better relate to you as he or she reads the piece.

Focus

The essay question is explicitly asking you for what you have learned from a mistake. You wrote, "I made the mistake of concluding that my straight assignments were an indication that I was less talented than my colleagues and I let this notion negatively impact my attitude towards the group".

While I understand this was a mistake, it does not paint a vivid picture of the mistake for reader. Your mistake is very broad, and it is therefore a little more difficult to grasp onto. You had a made some conclusions here, and these conclusions negatively impacted your attitude to the group - but, from the reader's perspective, "so what?" What was the result of your actions - what were the ramifications of your mistake?

I think you should spend a half hour or so asking yourself questions like the following: How did this mistake negatively impact my attitude? What are some examples of the 'negative impact?' Did I change my behavior at rehearsal? Did I become a lousy friend to my peers in the group? Was I jealous of my peers - and if so, did I burn any bridges? How did these things impact my first year? Then, on the flip side, also ask yourself similar questions for your experiences when you turned around your attitude.

Structure

Before revising, remember - your reader will spend only a moment or two reading this essay. Don't make the reader do any thinking on his or her own. Your introductory paragraph should be short and sweet - as it is now, but with a more focussed mistake and perhaps with a bit more zest (see showing vs telling below). Then, spend a couple paragraphs that go into more details about what you went through, how you went turned it around, and how you grew. Finally, in a conclusion, sum things up and talk about a few ways you've since applied your lessons learned - learning is great, applying lessons is better!

Looking at your piece now, you spend quite a bit of time describing what a "straight character" is. But that's not the goal of the piece. It's important that the reader understands your vocabulary, but don't lose sight of the clear focus - what your mistake was and what you learned from it. I think you should cut that down substantially, and consider using words that such as the "setup character" if you're concerned about the reader understanding "straight character".

Show me, don't tell me

As a computer programmer, this was a very difficult thing for me to understand - I think it took me numerous drafts to finally start moving in the 'showing' direction with my writing. So don't despair - I understand where you're coming from on this issue! That said, I believe it's especially important for you to nail this one. Your engineering peers are traditionally not the strongest writers, so you have a chance to differentiate yourself with your writing. I think this ended up being a major factor in my application success.

For example, consider adding a little 'zest' into the beginning. Rather than explaining what the mistake was, try to to show your reader. Revisit the ideas you brainstormed from per the 'Focus' section above. What went through your mind as you walked up to the cast list, searched for your name, and then you realized you did not get what you hoped for? These thoughts make it easy for the reader to identify with you and your mistake. When describing your mistake and your turnaround, write with this mentality.